My earliest memory: Building a snowman with my sister and
brother, my mother standing at the sliding glass door. I also think I saw Uncle Keith there, but
maybe not. I don’t remember climbing
stairs as a babe, but I can imagine what it must have been like. Seated on my legs, I stair up at the flight
of steps, were they covered with carpet, grayish blue maybe? I put my tiny right hand on the first step,
you can see my diaper under my long top, or maybe it’s a dress. I can’t see myself climbing them beyond that
first reach.
I remember Mary Poppins and Lamb chops and playing with my
magnets. I used to build places and the
little dots, the red and blue, were boys and girls. I remember the boys would always chase the
girls, and I always chose one of each to be the main characters. I’m not sure how I kept them straight but it
seems I almost always did. I think
sometimes I would mess them up when mom came by. Like it was wrong of me to play such a
game. I got embarrassed. I remember, I think, mine and Carl’s last
bath together. Maybe it was the chicken
pox or something. We had all our toys,
well mostly his. GI Jo and such. I used to love playing GI Jo and trolls with
him. I always wanted to be like
him. Well, as far as I could. I always looked up to him. He was so smart and cool. Emily had to play my mother, how could I look
up to her. I don’t remember when Dad
left I just know he left. My first
memory of a phone conversation with him: I was maybe seven, or maybe it was
just after he left. I didn’t want to use
the phone I just wanted to play. I had
just gotten my boots, the boyish kind, Timberlands or something. I remember how excited I was. I was trying to tie them maybe when he called
and I had to talk to him. Mom made me
even though I said I didn’t feel like it.
It didn’t faze me then. That my
daddy had left. I just thought how much
this conversation had interfered with my playtime. I remember the car ride with grandma and
grandpa. I fell asleep in grandmas’ lap
in the back seat. It sounds silly but
that’s my fondest memory of her. She was
so caring then, she said, “If you’re sleepy just lay down here and go to
sleep.” So I did, it was nice. After
that she became the crazy grandma. My
mother told me that she asked a doctor if I had been sexually abused. I stuck my blanket up my nose; I just thought
it felt nice. Kids stick things up their
nose. I’m not sure it means anything
except a strange fixation. Freud would
probably say its normal. The only thing
Freud was good for, he helped us understand child behaviors. I remember having a crush on Lauren D.’s big
brother. I think he was the second
oldest. He was so cute, I guess. I was only 8 or 9 so what did I know. I remember when Lauren wanted to see me
naked, or at least be in the room when I changed my clothes. I thought she was a weirdo then, now I know
she was just curious because I was older then her. She was just curious. Or maybe she was just kidding around. I remember the dirt mounds. We played on them and pretended to be on some
kind of adventure. We were always
pretending. I forget sometimes how
imaginative I was. My sister made me a
Barbie extravaganza in our room once.
She took all my Barbie’s and hers and made little sections. There was a house on our dresser and maybe a
beach or something. I don’t remember all
of it, just that it covered our desk and dresser and the floor. She always takes care of me. I suppose I somewhat returned the favor with
this trip, not sure I ever fully could though.
At some point you know you’re not like other families or that you’re not
like other kids. I thought about things
a lot. Just everyday things. I seemed like such a quiet kid, people used
to tell me. On the inside it was never
quiet. My mind was always rolling from
one subject to another or one idea to the next.
I used to dwell on things a lot.
I guess I still do.











