Imagination

In the secret spaces, secret spaces of our mind.  The place where none can go; it's where I like to hide.  A mirage of existence before me, and an eternity inside.  Do we die?  What are these particles that make up my being and is this what makes us real?  I don't think so; there has to be magic.  Life would be so tragic without it.  Science is magic, but science can be so indifferent.  Science can be impersonal; then also sometimes wondrous.  Quantum physics resonates and moves me.  Little spaces in the brain that no one can touch.  That no one can really understand.  Such a minute existence on a quantum scale.  On a universal scale, infinitesimal is the vast space that we barely fill.  Imagine tiny universes inside each cell; imagine our whole bodies are really bits and pieces of galaxies or universes.

Imagine.

Death Fantasies

I often imagine my death.  Something tragic, like a movie playing out, or a great story. Sometimes it happens while I’m in the shower.  I leave the door open - as I often do - and a dark stranger, or maybe an angry ex-boyfriend creeps into my home, quietly.  They kill me with a knife; death by shower scene, classic Hitchcock.  Or perhaps I am shot?  Do they use my own machete that sits close by where I sleep, or perhaps the baseball bat in the corner?  That would be gruesome and mildly ironic. 

Other times it happens in the car.  I’m t-boned by a drunk driver, smashed into nothingness, into breathlessness.  It is never my own doing, exactly, that brings about my doom.  Though it would seem, as I sit at the same job, in the same uneventful life, afraid to move forward, that I am indeed the responsible party.  Could my morbid fascination with hypothetical death fantasies be nothing more than a subconscious fear?  A fear that has gone for so long unaddressed as I sit in wait for the future that is to come?  And while waiting, I miss out on what could be; I sit idly in my discontent.  Though I know I am not alone in this waiting game, it still sucks, and the loneliness of it gnaws away at my being.

People that are deemed as the ‘greats’ of the world, do you think they felt the same longing?  Do you think they wondered when life would ‘happen’ to them?  The intermittent transformations that slowly evolve us into something new and hopefully better.  I wonder if they noticed these, or were they always just ‘great’, happy and content with their life situation.  This could easily lead to a rambling about the meaning of humanity, so I'll just stop there.  Happy hump day.

~HB

Solving the world's problems one post at a time.

  

The Office

Where do I begin?  It's the most uneventful experience..wait, let me digress, the average day in the office is dull and cumbersome.  Now and again, you get your quacks, the real weirdos.  I once witnessed a woman have a split personality spasm - first she was a flowery artist, then a GI Jane, then a divorcee with multiple aliases, struggling with a new-found relationship and a new last name.  Her tone varied and her facial expressions morphed right before my eyes with each squeak and squawk of her voice.  Others have been drug users, too stoned to comprehend the basics of what they needed to do, twitching as they attempt composure, their physicality reeking of meth use.  Of course, on those rare occasions, people are very pleasant, very 'normal' and kind.  Witty or lighthearted banter abounds with these few and, it's on days like this I truly appreciate what I do; when I am truly working and helping or guiding, is when I feel best about this job.

Despite endless restraint and contradiction from the powers that be, I always attempt to put customers first.  Meeting their needs, after all, should be the ultimate goal in a customer service driven market.  And that is what we are in, I am told, after a thorough two hour training session, aka sensitivity training.  Customers are the top priority and customer service will be the key to our success.  I call bullshit. There are more important things than just customer service...like quality?  Of which, we have little to offer.  There is some hope on the horizon as old faces fade away and new minds come into positions of great power and decision making.  With these new people come positive ideas - better ideas - that might help us see true progress.

Until that time comes, however, bureaucracy reigns supreme.      

For M

With each brick I slowly added a wall; a difficult barrier to break down.  But yours is a love that is patient and kind.  You are forgiving.  And see beyond flaws; see something beautiful in me that I can't understand.  I've let myself embrace you, in a way that is so rare for someone like me.  Let my guard down, been so open and present; I thought it wasn't really possible to find in a partner that kind of connection.

But then I built up the walls and nearly broke us.  And am hopeful that together we can bring it back - the childish fervor of freedom.  That lack of concern for anything else in the world.  That ever-present sense of being.  Life does happen and can get in the way; but I don't want life to be all about the 'stuff', the 'responsibilities' and material, external world.  I want it to be about the secret conversations when we're alone, the dreams we share and bask in, the songs we sing together, the little details of ourselves that we share in common; you're tender kisses and warm hugs - so inviting, so nonjudgmental.  The way you look at me.

My promise to you will always be to make an effort; to do my best in recognizing my issues and working on them.  To not shut you out, and to give in return the most wonderful gift that you have given; friendship and true love.  You are my best friend, a dear friend; that once in a lifetime chance at something real.  I won't screw it up.


~HB

Solving the world's problems one post at a time.

First post of 2015

It's time to regurgitate. Something has happened. Over the last few months, maybe longer, I've become closed off. There was a brief period of time that I felt open and free; that I felt like I was beginning to understand life and appreciate it. There is so much that I've allowed to muddle my view; make it shades of black and gray, full of dread and discontent that leaves a person nearly hopeless. I see myself reverting back to that state of being, a state I never wish to be in again. It's easy to do in such a hate filled world.

I often wonder how people go on living, while some children sleep in the cold, people watch as their homes are destroyed by human and nature, atrocious acts are carried out by humans against other humans, like torture, or while the earth continues to spin, bits of the universe continually discovered and we are no more closer to understanding our true purpose here.

But I guess the thing to remember is that we all create our own universe.  I know that if I put positivity into the world around me, sharing it with others, well...this is all one can do right?  For I am one mere human among so many others.

So I hope and pray with you all tonight - for those that also do and for any that care - for a better tomorrow. May we rejoice in the good moments in our lives and someday learn to (co) exist peacefully together as humans, all of us. I love you all.

~HB

Solving the world's problems one post at a time.

Love - Crazy love

Is it possible to care for someone so much that you would allow them to hurt you?  I mean any kind of hurt, physical or emotional.  I suppose love is just that - trusting someone so much that you would let them cause you harm.  Because maybe you believe that deep down they really care and would never wish to cause you pain or suffering.  Or you don't really believe it, but rather you just hope for it.  A dwindling hope as time goes on and they continue to do the same stupid things.  How are we to know when love is real?  Is this irrational form of disrespect to oneself a sign of true love?  Movies and popular culture seem to say so.  But does that then stem from reality, or is it just made up garbage?  I like to think real love is kind, compassionate.  That it does not hurt, but heals.  That it can conquer pain and hatred, and all of those other horrid, petty human feelings.  Call me a hopeless romantic - hopelessly insane.  It's just what I feel - though time and again the Universe seems to prove me incorrect.  I will keep trekking; I will keep believing and hoping that this love - this ethereal concept - can actually manifest itself in my life.


~HB

Solving the world's problems one post at a time. 

World Peace and a Real Life Utopia?

This may very well be the most brilliant thing I have ever written...or not...you decide.  I feel this way, because it is so simple.  I'm sure many of you know of the illusive Illuminati, yes?  The never-ending supply of theories behind the meaning of life, the being(s) that control our planet - or even the universe - is incredibly lucrative.  I myself have become a ‘believer’ of conspiracy theories - and spiritual theories - about life as I know it.  Corporations and a ‘secret society’ of the top 1 or 2 or whatever percent run the global economy and are the cause of many wars and other disasters; no, reptilian aliens control the world and are the real evil-doers behind most or all wars and disasters; no, no, God hates us except for a select few - who will be saved - and this is why we see strife, destruction in the world; or is it the cosmos and life lessons that we are all here to learn - for people to suffer because they must learn in this life and hopefully change in later lives - only to be eventually one with the Universe.  These are just a small blip of ideas behind the reasoning for our circumstances.  These ideas become scapegoats for our reality.

Could it be that, we humans, are just a heaping pile of whiny, selfish organisms - dazed and confused because we are so over stimulated with material wealth?  Okay, so not everyone has material wealth - and some people are starving for food, clean water and other necessary things we beings require for our survival.  And yet, we can look to cultures like the Hazda that live solely on what surrounds them - and live quite simply - without the destruction, aggression, petty emotions that arise in a ‘civilized,’ modern society.  Why am I mentioning this, I’m sure you are wondering (I am actually wondering how it is that you have gotten this far into my post - and for that I am grateful).  Because I believe there may be an even simpler answer to life as we know it.

Imagine, if you will, a real live utopia.  Where people got along with each other, with differing belief systems and ideas; where food and water was shared and we saw no poverty, no depression, none of the dreadful things that plague societies.  A place where everyone was happy and healthy.  Many believe this is totally unattainable because humans are incapable, that there will always be evil, that we are not free of petty emotions.  I would like to offer another response as to why this beautiful ideal is not an option for the current state of human beings.

Are you ready?  Cause this is gonna blow your mind....we are reflectors for our problems.  What I mean by this is that, we blame other people and entities for our/the world's problems.  Rather, it is our daily decisions that change the world.  It is all a matter of positive energy that starts within, which can be manifested in so many ways; like buying stuff, driving a car, using plastic bags, or being kind to all living organisms - most especially our planet, our life source.  Now, I realize that there are people out there who do live in a conscious state.  I know people like this, have met many and read amazing pieces by individuals who understand this concept of energy and living in a state of consciousness.  So to this, I would like to stress the idea of not using scapegoats, such as the Illuminati or God, to put all of our energy/hatred.  Though these entities may very well be a major cause of strife, we are also a large factor.  This, my friends, is the first big step towards true change.

I will not lie to you about myself.  As I too have, and do, place a lot of anger onto others and entities that may or may not exist; though I know in my heart that it all starts with me.  People do not lie when they say that change begins on the grassroots level; and those are the very humans we should all look to for enlightenment and encouragement to make better life choices.  So I say, look inward first, see the person that you are and aspire for who you would like to be.  Then extend that to others in your community - seek out the help of like-minded people and together...we will change the world.

Love,
HB~

Solving the world's problems one post at a time.