3-20-14

I saw a lot more for myself by this age.  It feels as though nothing will compare to this year of my life.  So much growth and confusion all muddled together.  Where will I end up?  Will I ever find that one special person?  Will I have a family?  Will I love myself?  Was life this complex for a woman of 25, some 25 years ago?  Perhaps not nearly as much, perhaps worse.  Perhaps I should not complain about my current circumstance.  And then the wine kicks in a little further and I feel more philosophical and weepy.  Woe is my American youthful experience.  I just don’t feel that young anymore.  I feel so little of a connection with ‘my kind’ that it scares me.  The surface is easy, but when I drink that surface wears thin, more opaque than the plaster that I hide behind.  ‘You are a grown woman,’ I tell myself regularly, some lame attempt at sanity in this insane world.  What does that really mean?  That I shouldn’t cry when I am feeling lonely and sad?  That I should be more guarded and aware?  That I should realize more about life and accept that my current situation will transform in the blink of an eye?  Yes.  Perhaps all of these things are so blatantly true.  Shit.  Too bad I couldn’t stay in that bubble.  I rather liked it in there.

A thought on human connections

The most important perhaps, or the biggest lesson I will ever have learned in this life, that we are all a part of this web.  I was told this by a very wise person, who shared her own experience in this realization.  That we are all here, together, even if we don't always acknowledge it; we are all being in whatever way happens to float our fancy, whether it's to be the horrific driver who almost rams your car on the freeway or the person chewing you out even though you are a mere customer service technician and you didn't make the policies, or especially the sweet old lady who just wants someone to talk to, so she goes on and on about her life story, and your sitting there, twiddling your thumbs, hoping this transaction comes to an end soon, because now a line is forming and your shift ends in 15 minutes.  No matter how many of your co-workers, and loved ones piss you off to no end, you reflect on the positive from time to time.  Those moments that you share together are precious, and, hopefully, make us better human beings.  To digress, I feel that I haven't fully understood this concept of connection until more recently.  Perhaps there is a higher power at work, easing us in directions so that we might 'bump' into people, have those interactions, and be changed from them.  Being in the right place at the right time; the stars align; fate brings us together in mysterious ways.  Whatever you wish to label it, I feel it may exist, that it would be a world changer if more people embraced this concept.  I am personally so grateful for all of the people in my life; the ones who have come and gone, and those that stay close to my heart.  You are all beautiful and important to me.  If I could shoot beams of love light from my body and send them off in thousands of different directions, I'd send them to my family, my friends, my dear ones, and even the terrible driver - because maybe they will pay better attention next time - to the angry customer - because everyone has a bad day.

I know it's tough, to feel this way all the time.  It isn't human, really, to always be so zen.  But maybe we can be more, to one another, to the planet and all of it's life energy.  That's my dream.

Love,
HB

Solving the world's problems one post at a time.

Beginnings

Something isn't right; something's missing.  Gotta find that niche, that small space of the world where she fits.  She has to find her 'thing,' the it that keeps her going.  What is life without meaning?  Without stuff to fill all of the white noise?  It's cold and empty.  I never had any direction, except to the next best wave.  Or what appeared to be best, better.  Perhaps that is life, but it makes for difficulty.  No soft pillow to seek solace, and shoulders to cry on are only so available.  It's time to be a big girl and learn what it truly means to live.  Right...begin.

Boat Show?

Tonight we scaled the scene of a 'boat show,' a show of boats, large ones, overly large - this usually emphasizes an inadequacy on the part of the owner.  True?  I think maybe.  It was an interesting experience that affirms ones beliefs in how disgusting consumerist society can be, as they flop around, drunk, not watching as they walk and ogle over female bodies and, yes, big boats.  One in particular struck me, as it had a kind of hatch - sort of futuristic even - so that you could be completely enclosed, so as not to get wet.  Is it just me or does this defeat the purpose of being on the water?  I feel that I would have some desire to get wet...I don't know.  I further didn't understand because it would not completely submerge - dare I call the folks who would ride in one of these pansies?  Or perhaps that is more a compliment and they deserve a different name - like plain stupid and wasteful?  So much space, so much energy and time wasted on this event.  It's unfortunate that this is a small representation (I fear growing larger) of human cultures.  That's right, not just American culture anymore as many other nations seek to partake in the consumption game.  Everybody wants things and more things, as if that will fill the gaping holes.  When did human beings stop trying to be a part of nature?  When did they stop awing at the moon - the heavens if you will - or admiring a fresh sprig of flowers in Spring, enjoying good conversation and the energy of those around them, when did we stray so far from our inner beings?

One of my favorite quotes is actually from a Disney song...it pops into my head often, it is "there must be more than this provincial life."  For those of you not familiar, this is from The Beauty and the Beast, sung by the character Belle.  Though the word used provincial is not exactly what I would go with, the feeling seems very similar.  A feeling of frustration and longing for something more.  Yes, I am happy in my life, that I am happy to be close to those I love, and I do cherish the relationships I have, but when I really observe the horrors and ignorance of humans, it makes me sad; it makes me long for a better place - a world of life energy and openness, free of petty emotions, restrictions that hold us back from being....better.  Of course, I have my own petty instances.  We're only human right?  Can we strive for more?  Can you, reader, whomever you may be, make that effort to more than human, to be a representation of love and acceptance?  I think we need more of this.  I'm certainly not practicing this as I scowl at women who wear too much make-up, plastic faces and breasts, morphing their appearances, for what?  Pity comes to mind, not in the negative sense, but more-so because that is what people like this deserve; it seems they are not comfortable within themselves so they 'dress up' and hide behind a mask.  Yet, I quote a Disney song....(sigh).

So, I've been trying to do more of what they call military style showers to conserve water: soak, soap, rinse.  Simple right?  It's actually not horrible, unless I suppose you wanted to shave some body part.  It is one of several small attempts I make at being more friendly to Earth, if that's possible.  It also saves me a lot of time in the mornings.  I recommend a try.  There are so many people that do so much more.  I applaud you all, especially you who don't shave, or shower rarely, those who live on the streets in cardboard boxes - you're probably as green as they come - people who yellow mellow, people who compost, people who grow (and sometimes smoke it ;) I applaud you all for your efforts.  You're very kind.  On that note, it's time for sleep, another day, another chance.  Sweet dreaming friends. 

 

350

Hello folks,

I have some depressing news.  Global warming is a reality.  Oh wait, this isn't news.  There have been warnings for years and, yep, now we're there.  According to my source (reading parts of the book Eaarth by Bill McKibben) we are hoping for 350 parts per million as our atmospheric level of carbon.  If we can be at this level (which we are currently well over - much closer to 400 ppm) than we can sustain life as we know it!  Yippee!  According to McKibben, and his plethora of science experts that he cites, there is no going back.  Unfortunately, I fear there is no stopping it either.  I mean, there is, I just don't see it happening anytime soon, or ever, for that matter.  The cycle - the one that we humans have pushed to such a rapid pace - is  in motion, like an upside down ride that won't move back into the right side up position, the blood rushing to our heads, numbness in our toes until we finally just pass out.  And I suppose that will be how it continues; humans throughout the world passing out from hunger, thirst and shear heat exhaustion, never again to be awakened.  And what would be the point if there are not enough life sustaining supplies to go around?  I read these thoughts and I want to curl up in a ball in a corner and cry myself into a state of numbness.  But what would be the point of that?  It doesn't solve anything and only leaves me even more miserable.

McKibben offers a glimmer of hope with his 350 movement.  A hope that I don't feel I share at this point.  Even more so, with the current political climate it seems that people are still more concerned with destroying one another; which seems absurd since the planet will do it for us in another 50 or less years.  Unless we can deter this, and I think we could if we tried.  I think many more of us could adapt to the coming changes, perhaps we could help get to the 'magical' number 350.  So I will share this thought with all of you and return to my life when it is finished.  I will continue to drive my same old car, go to work, pay my bills, try to consume less, conserve more (like drinkable water), and wait.  I will wait to cease, which I guess is what we do anyways right?  We do our things that seem so important, cloud our thoughts with daily tasks - essentially meaningless - and just wait for the end, hoping that we have a beautiful funeral with lots of people, hope for a better other side.  Well, all I really want is for this to be the better side, for the right now to be that beautiful place, to love and enjoy right now, understanding the costs of my actions.  I want to try and be a better human being, but I fear it isn't enough - and what's that saying?  If you can't beat 'em, join 'em?  Is this where I'm at?  Do I dare give up in a search for beauty and meaning in life and succumb to consumerist society?  Damn I hope not.  Goodnight and good morning to all.  I hope your day brings peace and joy; cherish our time here on planet Earth and with those you love.  Embrace what is now, because it won't be there forever.  But this is what we humans must learn, that change happens, we must always accept what is, in the ideals of Eckhart Tolle, an excellent spiritual guide.  I think he is right, and I think I will go do this.  Cheers.

On terrorism and peace

We cannot continue like this.  According to news that has recently gone viral, the police or other officials have killed one suspect and are hunting down another in the Boston Marathon bombings.  Okay, so then what?  We have distinguished these individuals from so many others around the world who murder people for causes, for war, for peace, etc. by calling them terrorists.  When are we going to open up to the idea that people who kill other people are nothing but murderers, first and foremost.  Secondly, they are children, parents, brothers and sisters, and we should be wondering what went wrong in their lives, how did they get to this point?  How do we stop this from happening again?  I don't believe we can stop so called 'terrorist attacks' with more occupation, more control and violence.  It has to be a humanist effort.  We have to want to stop hurting each other.  This even comes down to our international politics.  Why do we continue to allow these men (and women) play their war games?  The citizens of every nation, every continent, should stand together and say no.  No more violence against our children, our families.  We will no longer buy your products, support your terrorism high governments.  And for any of those that believe it will all be okay either way, because you know you're going to a good place after you die - I don't think so.  There is no way of knowing this, and if you really wanna die so bad, then take care of yourself and allow us that are still here on planet Earth, those of us that still have a will to live, to make this life better, to be at peace.  Religions have distorted our perceptions of life and death, advertising/consumerism has warped our brains to Buy! Buy! Buy! at whatever the cost; can we really call ourselves human beings and continue down this path of destruction?  No.

For those of you intimately affected by the Boston bombings, I'm sorry for your losses and your pain.  For those of you around the world in similar and worse circumstances, my heart goes out to you.  I believe you all will be in a better place than this - the innocent victims of human atrocity.  I plead with the rest of you to wake up to the truth and do something about it.  Though I don't have much of a reader group today, someday I might.  When that day comes, I hope you all listen, absorb these words and really try. 

Immigration Poem from August 2012

Here is a short poem I wrote last year - just to get the ball rolling.....


Immigration began in 1492
When Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

He brought disease and syphilis
Though his journey, at first, was a miss;

He’d set his sails for India
But landed, alas, on Cuba.

It took some time, his ships to reach,
The coastal shores of the Americas, hence he’d breeched.

Unto their land, the Europeans came,
Into their women, it was a game

For them, such fertile land was a treat,
For the natives, however, not so sweet.

As time went on, their number rose
The Natives time, though, came to a close.

Many now have died and gone away
Onto their land, designated, they will stay

And though remorse is felt amongst us
We continue to punish those who want to be us;

A little sympathy, a chance at life,
That’s all they ask, so why the hell do we still fight?