Playing with stream of consciousness writing, or memories

This is very old, something from several years ago.

My earliest memory: Building a snowman with my sister and brother, my mother standing at the sliding glass door.  I also think I saw Uncle Keith there, but maybe not.  I don’t remember climbing stairs as a babe, but I can imagine what it must have been like.  Seated on my legs, I stair up at the flight of steps, were they covered with carpet, grayish blue maybe?  I put my tiny right hand on the first step, you can see my diaper under my long top, or maybe it’s a dress.  I can’t see myself climbing them beyond that first reach. 

I remember Mary Poppins and Lamb chops and playing with my magnets.  I used to build places and the little dots, the red and blue, were boys and girls.  I remember the boys would always chase the girls, and I always chose one of each to be the main characters.  I’m not sure how I kept them straight but it seems I almost always did.  I think sometimes I would mess them up when mom came by.  Like it was wrong of me to play such a game.  I got embarrassed.  I remember, I think, mine and Carl’s last bath together.  Maybe it was the chicken pox or something.  We had all our toys, well mostly his.  GI Jo and such.  I used to love playing GI Jo and trolls with him.  I always wanted to be like him.  Well, as far as I could.  I always looked up to him.  He was so smart and cool.  Emily had to play my mother, how could I look up to her.  I don’t remember when Dad left I just know he left.  My first memory of a phone conversation with him: I was maybe seven, or maybe it was just after he left.  I didn’t want to use the phone I just wanted to play.  I had just gotten my boots, the boyish kind, Timberlands or something.  I remember how excited I was.  I was trying to tie them maybe when he called and I had to talk to him.  Mom made me even though I said I didn’t feel like it.  It didn’t faze me then.  That my daddy had left.  I just thought how much this conversation had interfered with my playtime.  I remember the car ride with grandma and grandpa.  I fell asleep in grandmas’ lap in the back seat.  It sounds silly but that’s my fondest memory of her.  She was so caring then, she said, “If you’re sleepy just lay down here and go to sleep.” So I did, it was nice.  After that she became the crazy grandma.  My mother told me that she asked a doctor if I had been sexually abused.  I stuck my blanket up my nose; I just thought it felt nice.  Kids stick things up their nose.  I’m not sure it means anything except a strange fixation.  Freud would probably say its normal.  The only thing Freud was good for, he helped us understand child behaviors.  I remember having a crush on Lauren D.’s big brother.  I think he was the second oldest.  He was so cute, I guess.  I was only 8 or 9 so what did I know.  I remember when Lauren wanted to see me naked, or at least be in the room when I changed my clothes.  I thought she was a weirdo then, now I know she was just curious because I was older then her.  She was just curious.  Or maybe she was just kidding around.  I remember the dirt mounds.  We played on them and pretended to be on some kind of adventure.  We were always pretending.  I forget sometimes how imaginative I was.  My sister made me a Barbie extravaganza in our room once.  She took all my Barbie’s and hers and made little sections.  There was a house on our dresser and maybe a beach or something.  I don’t remember all of it, just that it covered our desk and dresser and the floor.  She always takes care of me.  I suppose I somewhat returned the favor with this trip, not sure I ever fully could though.  At some point you know you’re not like other families or that you’re not like other kids.  I thought about things a lot.  Just everyday things.  I seemed like such a quiet kid, people used to tell me.  On the inside it was never quiet.  My mind was always rolling from one subject to another or one idea to the next.  I used to dwell on things a lot.  I guess I still do. 

This is something I wrote back in June 2014.  It feels right, so I'm sharing.

Someone to save me, for a change.  Someone to love and accept me as me, wholeheartedly.  Someone that does not necessarily like all of my quirks, but accepts them as is; and that, when I do something stupid, they don’t roll their eyes and ridicule me.  Or if they do roll their eyes, they do it with a smile and give me a kiss - and I feel that love.  Someone that I can be myself around - my multitude of selves.  Someone that can mellow out my crazy, or meet it equally.  That is gentle and compassionate, and strong when in need.  When I need a shoulder they are open and comforting.  We can laugh together, and be quiet.  We can look into each other’s eyes for long periods of time - with or without laughter.  We can be creative together in whatever form.  I just want an honest love, a real love.

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Why are we so elite?  From other beings, like we serve a greater purpose.  Like we would actually outlive them all (yeah right).  How did we become so disconnected?  As if we can't feel her pain, as she weeps softly.  Sometimes loudly; thunderous clouds, tsunamis and great storms, fires that consume the old and the new.  Beautiful chaos, a cleansing.  She is vast and wise beyond our comprehension.  We are lowly and so young, so stupid.  So much to learn about her and the encompassing universe.  Her playground, her home, her space amongst the celestial gods; it a space we meekly fill, a tiny speck within an infinite, everlasting womb.  We are so lucky to experience it all.  If only that understanding reigned within all humans.  Let go of your pitiful selfish thoughts and behaviors.  Before it's too late.  Is it too late?  Have we reached the point of no return, the floodgates are destined to open?  I hope not.  That would be terribly sad.

love vs. greed, a thought

All we have is love, a pivotal emotion, to bring us true joy.  Can greed be deemed as a moment of true joy?  All a matter of perspective, I suppose.  It doesn't feel right, the righteous would think.  Greed can bring pain and hatred, seemingly terrible states of being.  The moment you feel love, is... like floating, like the smell of spring, fresh rain and a baby's skin.  All those precious pieces of time, experiences that we hold onto in our minds, stow them away in the memory banks of our mortal brains.

Greed seems to end in heartbreak, in death, often alone.  Does it not take more effort to be sharing and giving, then to hoard and be greedy?  Take more of ourselves, our spirits?  It's easy to keep everything to yourself, to be alone and pretend to not need.  It's far more challenging to let people in, to be open to love, compassion, and to give these in return, to share with others.  Yes?

Japan - Day 7 and My Top Favorite Things About Nippon

My last day in Tokyo was eventful, bittersweet at moments.  I arose early to get to the Tokyo Skytree first thing; though it was cloudy, still totally worth it.  It was fun to meander around the different levels and grab souvenirs for people (some at random).  The rain was still a light mist, so it wasn't a terrible day for exploration.

(There's my feet, standing on glass, on floor 340 - for 340 meters, which is apparently around 1115 feet.  Yeah.)

After the Skytree, I headed to Nezu for an art exhibit at the Yayoi Museum.  They featured a manga artist, Kazuo Kamimura (famous for Lady Snowblood), with pieces from the '60s and later; it was gorgeous.  But I'd like to backtrack a bit to travelling to Yayoi Museum.  Initially, I'd set out with my raincoat, and decided I'd purchase an umbrella somewhere along the way.  It wasn't until I'd left the Skytree that it really begun to rain, a very steady rain.

The whole trip to Nezu pretty much involved me being underground.  So, when I reached my destination, I just said screw it and walked the ten minutes, hood over my head, phone in hand, as I navigated to Yayoi.  It was fantastic.  I was drenched by the time I got to the museum, but those kind ladies lent me a towel and even took my coat and backpack while I walked freely through the exhibit.

Nezu has been added to some of my favorite places in Tokyo.  The town is quaint, with lots of intricate homes and buildings.  It was quiet, unlike busy Shinjuku or Nihonbashi areas.  And did I mention that the Japanese people (in general) are impeccably polite?  As I put on my coat and backpack to leave Yayoi, those two women stopped me, and held out an umbrella.  I couldn't have been more grateful.

My check out time was 1pm, so I basically headed back to the hotel and made my way to the airport.  It took close to an hour to get there by train(s), but I didn't want to miss the experience and take a taxi (which still only knocked off about 20 minutes).  So there I was, hauling my luggage up and down a few stairwells, mildly regretting my choice.  Fortunately, it didn't take too long to get to the train (A/KK line) which runs all the way to Haneda airport.  Very efficient those Japanese.  I had a few whispers from fellow passengers, and a couple stares, but not bad overall.

When I got to the airport, and reached the check-in counter, I was informed that I'd missed my flight.  Apparently, when it says 12:00 am Sunday, it means....midnight Sunday (or in more clear terms, you better get your dumb ass to the airport on Friday night or you miss your flight).  Yeah...that happened.  It only took a couple hours on the phone with Expedia, of which no resolve was found, and the helpful ladies of ANA ticket counter to help me get on the next flight to LAX free of charge.  I'd had to book a new flight, and pay, to get to Vegas from there.  I'll take it!

I've never missed a flight in my adult life.  This was certainly a learning experience.  Also, Expedia sucks.  Just saying.  Don't book a person six nights at a groovy hotel with free breakfast and not expect them to stay six (whole) nights.  Alas, after several hours of meandering and attempts of sleep in the airport terminal, I finally made my way home.

This whole experience for me meant life changes.  I know what I need to do, and I know it's time to move forward, with big girl steps...no more baby steps.  It felt like a part of my soul had been brought back to life, it made me appreciate human beings more.  It made me realize that people can be awesome.  I can't wait to explore so much more of this wonderful planet.



At that, I'd like to list my favorite things about Japan (so far..):
Vending machines, vending machine beer, food, all the food, sweets, macha, shrines, nice people, cute Japanese women, classy outfits, bidets, toilets with SO many buttons, Sonic the hedgehog, tiny people like me, tiny doorways and rooms so that Austin has to duck/crouch, sushi, sake, did I mention food in general?, art museums, sakura trees, and all sakura things really, foxes, hot springs, rituals and traditions, the lady that cleaned my hotel room, the lady that gave me an umbrella, the lady from ANA who helped me get home, the random guy who told us about the onsen, and all the other things.  And Japan.

I hope you all enjoyed this adventure with me.  And that my descriptions did some justice (though probably not, you should all go see for yourselves).  Get out there and explore your universe.  Life is far too short.  Love you all,

~HB~

Japan - Day 6

My last two days in Japan were bittersweet.  I'd had such a wonderful time, and sharing in new experiences with these beautiful people...



We said our goodbyes and they were off for more adventure, while I would plot out my final hours.  I'd decided to visit the National Museum of Modern Art, and would go from there to find shopping.  The weather was beginning to turn, mostly just a breeze, but I knew rain was coming.

The MOMAT was amazing.  Absolutely all that I had expected and then some.  It's been so very long since I've had the pleasure of enjoying a real art museum.  The pieces ranged from early 1900s-on.  My favorite, and the most moving experience, was a collection of works from around WWII.  I can't really describe the feeling, observing from their perspective.  It was incredible.  There was one piece that struck me in particular and sadly, I can't remember the artist's name or name of the piece (and no, I didn't take pictures).  If I ever find it, I'll post it here.  Everyone should experience something like this, being in the same room with something that old, absorbing some of the energy from the artist, putting yourself in that position, just for a moment even.  It's the best.

And even better, on my nearly final day in Japan, I found the golden egg I'd been waiting for....a sakura that was still in (full) bloom.

 

I still have to translate the sign that was nearby (I snagged a photo), but I believe there is something special about this tree.

After wandering for a bit, I decided to see Akihabara (recommended for potential gift purchasing).  It was very interesting and, though I didn't end up buying anything in this area, it was groovy to see.

Somehow, when I arrived in the Akihabara, I'd managed to find the one West coast, valley girl sounding Japanese girl at a small gift shop in a business building pretending to be a mall.  It had some places to eat, and apparently a few stores, but she assured me that the souvenirs I was looking for were not to be found very close by (unless I was buying for a bunch of anime nerds, which sadly, no).

I wandered for a bit, in attempts to find the two stores she recommended, but the wind was a bit much for such a midget like myself (not that I was the smallest person in Japan, 'cause I wasn't!).  And it felt good to get back to my hotel and relax.

I had a lovely morning in store, especially for my last day.  However, I had no idea that I was about to make a rookie travel mistake......


Side Note: The restaurant we visited regularly that has delicious pancakes is called the Kohikan, not the Kiokhan (or whatever I had called it in Day 2).  Oops.

Japan - Day 5

My fifth day in Japan included a visit to Fox Village, located about 5 hours north of Tokyo in the Miyagi Prefecture.  We got to take the bullet train (shinkansen) which goes roughly 200 mph at it's top speed.  Crazy.  The view was breathtaking.  As we left the city and moved further into the country, there were more and more traditional style homes, snow capped mountains and fields, trees, and the like.  It was incredible.  This day made me decide that I must come back, and I must explore more of this beautiful country.



The shinkansen took us only a couple hours to get to Shiroishi and then a cab ride of about 20-30 minutes, brought us to Fox Village, which is located up in the mountains.  The ride was quite spectacular, and thank you to the drivers who took us (as we had to split two cabs btw 5 people).  They gave us a ride to and from, communicating with one another to ensure we got to the village with no problem.  Language barriers.  I give many thanks to all those Japanese people that were so pleasant and helpful through our travels.

Anyways, Fox Village was adorable - and on some level a little sad, much like any zoo or other structure built to preserve other animals, there's always some feeling of guilt.  The foxes, however, didn't seem to mind as they were all quite fluffy and large.  We all made friends and even got to hold one.





How freakin' cute is that.  I mean really, come on.  I wanted so much to lay down with a group of them and take a nap.  But that was a big no, no.  There's a specified feeding area, where you can toss treats to suspecting foxes.  That was special.  And mostly where the guilt kicked in as some foxes had a challenging time getting their treats, and that's where some of the fights broke out.  Oops.

When we were ready to leave, we all made our way outside.  Only to be beckoned back by one of the staff, as she found us sitting on a bench and motioned, 'Wait for taxi inside,' or something to that effect.  It was lovely.  Like forced hospitality.  Love it.  And so, we waited by the stove, kept warm and waited for the taxi to take us back to town.

It took him roughly 20 minutes, and then we were off again.  The ride back was even more fun, as we got to see more of the town (I think he took a long way).  He dropped us at the train station, and then we decided to wander.  Food was needed, and found, and oh so delicious.  Everyone enjoyed varying meats on sticks from a vendor outside the grocery store.  The grocery store itself was full of lovely looking produce, everything so fresh and clean.

After some thought, it was decided that we needed to visit a local onsen.  It wasn't far from our current location and we'd heard about it from a groovy gentlemen at the Fox Village.  Thanks mister, whoever you were.  You rock.  The onsen was glorious (sorry no photos there ha!).  Naked in hot steamy water.  You don't get any better.  Well, if it had been outside, and co-ed...yeah.  I would've dug that.

The day was wrapped up with sleep, much needed.  Um...that is...after all the sake.  Yeah, that happened.  We toasted to friendship and travels and such, and the next morning I saw everyone off...